I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
