i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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