explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
