I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
