im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
