My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
