OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
