The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
