Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
