dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We left the knife in your bed.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
