why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
