You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
