yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
