Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
