Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
