Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
