i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
