i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
