He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
