my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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