if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
