I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
