If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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