I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
