when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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