I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
His nipple licking is glorious
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
