I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
