i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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