My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
