I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
