In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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