Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
