this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
