"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
