Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
