I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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