I think I am morally bankrupt
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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