This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
