i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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