You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
