nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Enjoy the penises
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
