dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
