I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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