I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
