i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
