Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
