I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
