My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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