im drinking this country out of the recession.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lo siento on account of my penis...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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