I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
