i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
