The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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