my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
