I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
