a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
