So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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